Newly Studied Particle:

'The Poop Particle'

Coliform colonies growing on nutrient rich purple agar

Ever wonder what types of toxic gases one releases when they lift a cheek and beef?  We're told that commonly released flatulence consists of about 59% nitrogen, 21% hydrogen, 9% carbon dioxide, 7% methane and 4% oxygen. The rest of the fart consists of hydrogen sulfide and mercaptans which gives it that rich, bold aroma. Nothing toxic in moderate doses although I am sure your Aunt Sally will tell you that your Uncle Sal almost suffocated her under their bedroom sheets.

So since the dangers associated with flatulence are largely limited to unpleasant odors and sleeping under the same set of sheets as your Uncle Sal, we have nothing to worry about...

or... do... we... ???

You ever heard of a shart? For those who haven't, a shart is simply a sh*t-fart. When you think your going to fart, but you end up sh*tting yourself. Now the truth is that every fart is actually a shart to some extent whereas the erupting gases expel little pieces of poop which are usually filtered out by your underwear. Depending on the frequency of flatulence, one may soil themselves quite badly throughout the day without ever knowing it.

Armed with this insight, a semester long study was held at Rudgers University in order to determine the quantity of poop particles expelled from the anus in any given occurrence of flatulence.  To do this, farts were measured by size, shape, color, and chemical composition. Volunteers of all sexes, ages, and ethnicities took turns ripping ass into a newly designed and patent pending device designed specifically for catching and encapsulating farts. The inventor of this machine, Ms. Wendy Hinds, Director of “Project Back Draft” explains that this device was originally used in a study conducted on cows at a cattle ranch in Southern Texas. The machine was then re-purposed and greatly modified to fit humans. Wendy says: “Well, you've got to understand that my original design was tailored to fit a cow”. Wendy goes on to say that it was incredibly challenging trying to fit these on people and the participants felt very silly wearing them. After several weeks of engineering, a simplified model emerged and science worthy data began to be collected.

The methodology for the testing criteria involved filtering the flatulence through approximately 100 mL of pure, reverse osmosis filtered water. The water was then tested using membrane filtration techniques and set on an incubated petri dish of nutrient rich agar for 6-24 hours depending on the type of bacteria parameters tested for. Because the amount of particles were found to be way above the testable limit, dilution was required to accurately gauge the amount of poop particles and subsequent total coliform colonies which arise. This was accomplished by pipetting approximately 5 mL of the 100 mL of flatulence water and then testing via membrane filtration techniques. The results of this study were then averaged and reapplied to the average standardized flatulence episode parameters.

It was determined through this rigorous study that the average fart contains nearly 800,000 micro-sized particles of poop. An amount which clearly exceeds the permissible exposure limits of Aunt Sally. Furthermore, it is very possible that persons exposed to regular flatulence may become ill from E.Coli.

Ms. Hinds examines a participants underwear before sampling 

A follow up study was then conducted with the collection of hundreds of freshly used underwear where a clipping of the fabric was performed from the skid stained anus housing region and then tested for its leeching properties. This study has gained support from OSHA and the Department of Labor (DOL) as the leeching of fecal matter has a great potential for being transferred to professionals such as dry cleaners as well as other cross contamination risks.  A key step in understanding farts and accounting for many variables which had to be considered in determination of the quantity of fecal matter released in the atmosphere such as that which was caught as well as portions of farts that were not caught by the various fabrics used to manufacture underwear.  Although Ms. Hinds is not yet ready to release her follow up data, she insists that proper precautions be taken by both the 'Farter' and the 'Fartie'.  

So next time you're letting loose and people run away in disgust, know that you've crop dusted a wide radial perimeter with poop particles and folks have good reason to want to avoid contact.  

Where else may you come in contact with air borne poop particles?

The answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind